I hate the memory of it: me, tucked into the corner of the room hugging my knees, pouring out the agony in my heart in rivulets of tears. Feeling very much hopeless and rejected. What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me? I’ve felt rejected by literally everyone in my life at some point, but never by Him. Never by God. Until that moment.
Up until then, God had been my refuge. He was always there, always affirming me. Always giving my heart what it failed to find anywhere else: a quenching love. But that day, He stood afar off and silently watched me struggle with the thoughts going through my head. It seems so cruel to accuse Him of that, but what else can I say? He didn’t save me from those thoughts as they cut my heart. I wrestled with them. I agonized over them. I almost died inside.
It seemed like God must hate me because everything that I had done obviously wasn’t good enough to get his attention. What is so wrong with me that God cannot accept me? Why does He love everyone else and hate me? How come even God rejects me?
Even as I recognized that this was the enemy, I warred with my mind. I warred with the enemy speaking into my mind thoughts that bound my heart to a very unpleasant reality. Well, what I perceived as reality. Where do you go if God hates you? What do you do with your life when the maker of the universe looks at you and says, “You aren’t good enough. You don’t measure up. You never get it right. I’m done trying with you.”
I guess you need to understand my position at this point. Life was hard. Harder than I felt like I could handle most of the time and I had put my heart and my future in God’s hands and trusted Him to protect me and guide me. I had prayed in faith and believed for things that seemed foolish. Many I had seen fulfilled, but it seemed like the needs that consumed me the most escaped the attention of my Husband. A single mother of two growing children in a job that hardly paid my bills, living in a house that was falling apart around me. Sleeping in the living room for the winter because my bedroom wasn’t heated. Lonely most of the time, busy all of the time. I prayed daily for the fulfillment of my needs and waited in eager expectation. I even tried to enjoy life in the process. Most days, I genuinely did. But I had become weary. I was so tired of fighting life. And God kept saying “Wait.” when I needed Him to intervene. I needed Him. He had told me He would be my Husband but it felt like He had abandoned my heart with some pretty desperate needs.
I struggled with so many thoughts that day. My heart was grieved because I felt abandoned by God. I felt rejected. I felt so alone. So alone. I wondered to myself: “Where do I go now? What direction does a life take when God is completely turned away from a person? In the depths of my heart, I remembered all the sweet things He had said to me but they were in complete contrast to what I was feeling. It was at that moment, I had to decide what choice I would make. Would I in turn reject God like I tend to do to everyone else who rejects me? Or would I choose to love Him and live for Him anyway? Could I say, like Job, “though He slay me, yet will I serve Him?” I analyzed my life and realized that there is no other direction for me but to love Him anyway. Hugging my comfortless knees to my chest, I decided to love God whether He loved me or not. To pursue Him and persist in getting his attention regardless of how I felt He felt about me.
Thankfully, this gloom and despair passed by and I could clearly see again that God loves me and His promises are fulfilled in His time and His way. This was a dark moment for me, and I know that I am not the only person receiving those lies from Satan. I just pray that all others out there come to realize how sweet it is to trust and love God, and to be loved deeply by Him in return.