I opened up my bible to read it and it fell open to Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” I have heard this verse many, many times but today it just really spoke to me. Here lately, I have been focusing an accusing eye on God, wondering what the heck he’s doing in my life and why it is so opposed to my idea of what he would be doing. I have really felt like a victim at the mercy of a God who requires to much and gives too little, and I know in my heart that isn’t who God is, but I have also been allowing Satan to mess with my thoughts and it is really wearing me out. When I read that verse, it was like God was saying, “I know what is going on in your mind. I know that you don’t understand this, and you think I’m just ripping apart every last shred of hope you had in happiness. I know you think I am asking too much, and requiring too much from you. But trust me, I have plans for you. I have plans to give you hope, plans to enrich your future, and I want to see you prosper under my hand. I want to give you everything. I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m not trying to make you cry or cause you grief. I’m just trying to accomplish something in you. It’s gonna hurt a little, because my work is yet to be completed, but trust me. I would never hurt you needlessly, without having a plan to use that pain.”
Last night, I prayed that God would help me to sacrifice that part of my life that feels like I need someone. I don’t know if sacrifice is the right word, or maybe it’s crucify. Something had to die. The needs, the longings, the desire, all had to die in me. I needed to feel like I am capable of being that single mom again, who isn’t relying on anyone but God to get her through. It was not easy, because I felt like I was also having to sacrifice my kids’ needs as well. I know God can do the seemingly impossible, but sometimes it’s hard to grasp that when kids are involved. Like, how plausible does it seem that God can be the Father of my kids? To teach my son how to be a man, or my daughter how to be a woman? How possible does it seem that God would take him fishing, or her out on father-daughter dates? It doesn’t seem to possible and so last night, I had to say, “Okay, God, you know what? I not only give you my longings and desires, I give you the most precious needs of my children. You take that.” It was very difficult to do, and I pray that I don’t struggle with taking it back.