I found myself in a very vulnerable place: right outside the inner chamber with no right to be there. I was an intruder. I had somehow passed the outer court and the throne room without notice, and finally found the inner chamber. I knew he was in there. I could feel it inside me. But I trembled because I didn’t belong there. I had come a long way to get here. The battle had been harrowing. My enemy was intent upon destroying me. My clothes were torn, my heart felt crushed. I had come for solace. I had come for relief. I had come for favor. I had come to beg him to send his warriors out on my behalf. I had come begging for his attention.
I raised my hand to knock, then hesitated. Would he look on me with compassion? Me, a scoundrel, a beggar, a slave. Him, the King. What right did I have to be standing in His palace, much less sneaking past his guards to beg of Him to his face? I looked at myself in disgust. How would He react to this mess?
Oh, but my heart! My heart was desperate. I knew the answer was just beyond that door. I remembered the courage it took to fight and I mustered every last bit of it and pounded at the huge doors. My heart began racing and tears came like a flood. I fell into the room, exhausted and terrified and relieved. I came to my knees and bowed my head, afraid to look up at him. Minutes passed with nothing said between us. I tried to find words, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t belong. I was an intruder, and I had come to beg for something I did not deserve. I opened my mouth but no words. Over and over, I tried to say something. Then I clenched the last shred of boldness in me and looked at him. “My Lord, please. I do not belong here. I do not deserve to be in your presence, but you said, “Knock, and the door shall be opened.” I did that. You said, “Seek and you shall find.” I have found you. Now, what I ask, I only ask because you invited me to. There is nothing in me that qualifies me for your good favor, but I am asking because you said, “Ask and it shall be given to you.” I stopped, afraid to go on. Afraid that I had said too much. I bowed my head low in humiliation and waited for Him to say something. The silence compelled my voice to take up my case: “My Lord, the enemy is raging in my life. The war is more than I can bear. My land is inhabited by the enemy and I am incapable of taking it back on my own. My children are in chains. Please, Lord, set them free. You and you alone have the power to save them. Please, Lord, I beg of you. Set them free! Come against their enemy because you can defeat him. I know you can! Please, Lord, get rid of the imposters, the liars, the thieves and release my land. I long to walk in it. I need your favor in my life, Lord. More than anything right now, I need your favor.” I cried as I pleaded my case, and then I cried as I said, “Thank you, Lord, for hearing me. Thank you for listening to my plea. Thank you for your grace.” I did not feel that I was invited to rest in His inner chamber, so I got up and walked out. My life was in His hands. He owed me nothing, but I left knowing He knew my needs. Without his aid, I would not make it. I left knowing that all there was left to do was trust Him. He is the King, and He will reign as He sees fit. I pray He shows me His favor.
This was my prayer session tonight, and I saw this all very vividly as I cried out to God. I needed Him tonight. Enough to storm the gates of Heaven and dismiss protocol and run into the inner sanctuary and pound at his bedroom door. I knew it was risky, but I was desperate. I was desperate for God. I counted the cost and knew that I could not let that get in the way of seeking Him and petitioning Him. My needs are too great. He let me in and then listened. He didn’t say anything as I cried out to Him and pleaded my case. His amazing peace descended upon me after I was done, but I left without hearing a word. I go to bed tonight resting in the fact that He is God. He knows my needs, He knows my desires but He will reign as He sees fit. In the end, all I can do is ask for His favor as He moves in my life. He is not unaware of my battle. He is not unaware of my tears. He is not unaware of my desperation. He knows. I am reminded of the scripture that says, “The kingdom of Heaven is forcefully advancing, and violent men take it by force. (Matthew 11:12)” I pray that in my life, the kingdom of Heaven begins to forcefully advance because I have been willing to risk myself to come face to face with Him.