I remember it like it was yesterday. All of it, the pain, the anguish, the grace. His proposal. All of it, as if it were yesterday.
I relive this moment every year on February 14th. I can’t help it. Every year I walk through the stores and see the hundreds of bouquets, the rows and rows of love notes, the pink and red. I see hearts ad nauseam, and just when it starts to really get to me, I remember that night. The night I said yes.
It was late into the night, February 14, 2006, and there I sat, Indian-style in the middle of my bed, wrapped around a one-pound bag of chocolate chips. I was intoxicated by them. I had eaten them past the point of enjoyment straight into a hellish sickness. If I could have died in that moment, I probably would have. I was so alone, and that loneliness had become such a weight on me that I was literally trying to kill myself with chocolate. No joke.
I continued to eat them, determined to eat the whole bag or puke, tears streaming down my face. I cried out from the depths of my soul, “God! I am so alone!” Little did I realize that my cry had reached the ears of Him. I hugged my knees, threw the chocolate across the room and cradled myself in the middle of my bed and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Then I stared up at the ceiling for the longest time until I heard Him. Very clearly, I heard in my spirit, “Let me be that one.” Again, I cried, as I struggled with His words. How? How does a woman let God be that one? “But how? How can you fulfill me? How can you hold me? You’re invisible!” All He said was, “Let me be that one.” I went to bed that night praying for a husband, sure that He could not be the answer to my prayer.
The next day, I was wooed into the word, and when I opened it, this scripture stared back at me:
“For you Maker is your Husband – the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer …” -Isaiah 54:5
Overwhelmed, I crumpled, and I began to pray and confess all of my hesitations, all of my need, all of my desire. And then I said, with much trembling, “Yes.” I didn’t know what that meant at that moment. I had no idea what it meant to be in an intimate relationship with God, where late night conversations lead me into the throne room and where I am constantly aware of His providence and protection. To know about God was one thing, but to know Him, to know the sound of His heart because every night you fall asleep in His arms … that was new. It was new. But every year since then, I have come to know Him more intimately than I could ever imagine, and I can’t imagine a human love this wonderful. And every year, I remember that even God honors love on Valentine’s Day, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love you, Lord, for you are my Love. Thank you for awakening my heart to a Love beyond my wildest imaginations. You are too good to me. And thank you for reminding me year after year that I have something richer than what I see with my physical eyes. I have You.