I’m such a fool. Here I am, standing, adorned as a beautiful bride, staring at His expectant face and choking on my hesitation. Choking on my hesitation! This man has wooed me for years, shown His love for me in so many ways. Tugged at my heartstrings until I was utterly lost in love for Him. I had drifted along that river of love with Him and enjoyed every part of it: the sound, the scenery, the company. He lavished affection on me and I reveled in it. His gaze captivated me many nights, until finally, I tilted back my head and drank in His love. I drank deeply, allowing it to quench every part of me. Like a wanderer in the desert coming upon a well, I immersed myself in His love and allowed Him to fill me with it. What a stupid girl, to not see the way Love works. This love drew me along until I could not turn back from it. I craved it, needed it in every part of my being. I cannot live without it! But then, love gets serious. Real serious. He popped the question, and of course I said yes. That’s what you do, right? Until it hit me, how serious we were. I have been asked to spend the rest of my life, not as a selfish individual, but as a woman who has committed to no longer living for herself, but for “us.” The collective two that have become one. To live in submission to a Husband. There is a price to pay when you commit, and right now, with Him staring at me, waiting for the answer that came so easily when He asked the first time, I’m choking on that price. I’m choking on the things I will give up. I’m choking on the things that will never be. I’m choking on the unknown ahead of me. Oh God, I am so sorry for choking on my selfish hesitation!
Yes, it’s God who has asked me to commit in a much deeper way than I had ever imagined. And yes, I’m choking. I can’t say no. I can’t. I won’t. And I can’t stand here forever. I’m just a little scared of saying yes. I’m terrified that I will be less than He needs. I’m terrified that I cannot fulfill His expectations of me. I’m terrified that like Hosea’s wife, I will run after lust and disappoint His love. The truth is, I know deep down inside myself that I don’t deserve this love. Not this love. This perfect love. This blind love. This unconditional, no-matter-what, love. And I just want to scream, “How can you love me?” I’m not worth that kind of love. I can’t accept it. But I can’t live without it. Even worse, I cannot love like that. So why does He want me? I’m overwhelmed. I’m such a fool.