Fools in Love

Published February 21, 2013 by Dawn

I’m such a fool. Here I am, standing, adorned as a beautiful bride, staring at His expectant face and choking on my hesitation. Choking on my hesitation! This man has wooed me for years, shown His love for me in so many ways. Tugged at my heartstrings until I was utterly lost in love for Him. I had drifted along that river of love with Him and enjoyed every part of it: the sound, the scenery, the company. He lavished affection on me and I reveled in it. His gaze captivated me many nights, until finally, I tilted back my head and drank in His love. I drank deeply, allowing it to quench every part of me. Like a wanderer in the desert coming upon a well, I immersed myself in His love and allowed Him to fill me with it. What a stupid girl, to not see the way Love works. This love drew me along until I could not turn back from it. I craved it, needed it in every part of my being. I cannot live without it! But then, love gets serious. Real serious. He popped the question, and of course I said yes. That’s what you do, right? Until it hit me, how serious we were. I have been asked to spend the rest of my life, not as a selfish individual, but as a woman who has committed to no longer living for herself, but for “us.” The collective two that have become one. To live in submission to a Husband. There is a price to pay when you commit, and right now, with Him staring at me, waiting for the answer that came so easily when He asked the first time, I’m choking on that price. I’m choking on the things I will give up. I’m choking on the things that will never be. I’m choking on the unknown ahead of me. Oh God, I am so sorry for choking on my selfish hesitation!

Yes, it’s God who has asked me to commit in a much deeper way than I had ever imagined. And yes, I’m choking. I can’t say no. I can’t. I won’t. And I can’t stand here forever. I’m just a little scared of saying yes. I’m terrified that I will be less than He needs. I’m terrified that I cannot fulfill His expectations of me. I’m terrified that like Hosea’s wife, I will run after lust and disappoint His love. The truth is, I know deep down inside myself that I don’t deserve this love. Not this love. This perfect love. This blind love. This unconditional, no-matter-what, love. And I just want to scream, “How can you love me?” I’m not worth that kind of love. I can’t accept it. But I can’t live without it. Even worse, I cannot love like that. So why does He want me? I’m overwhelmed. I’m such a fool.

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3 comments on “Fools in Love

  • my wife and i are currently going through the things you are talking about (i think) she has told me she has given up so much of her life to be with me, and she feels like she is stuck in a RUT, she suppers from depression and has been given medication, which i now know is serious, so i try my hardest to bit my tounge to say anything that could lead to a fight, i am trying the “love dare” from the movie fire proof, as we have made a commitment at counseling on wed that we will give it 3 months then my wife will decide weather she wants to continue or she wants out.

    i have told her what ever her decision i will not hold it against her , as i cant force her to stay with me because i love her, if she is not happy she must do what makes her feel better, i realise i have changed and become complacent and what some people would call a deuch, but i am comitted to change and try my best this fix this marriage as i cannot live without her, but i cant live like we are right now. i am putting it in Gods hands as he is never late, and just because something good is not happening now, does not mean it will never happen, i just have to put it in his hands and wait patiently. the thing that drew us together must surely still be there, we just need time to find it and bring it back to the surface, because right now i am not feeling very wanted, but im patienly waiting until things get back to normal. i pray that things will work out for you, and things will become clear. may god bless you, and have a fantastic weekend (its just around the corner)

    • Sir,
      I am sorry to hear about your wife’s depression and the things you are dealing with in your marriage. It must surely be hard, and I commit to praying for you and your wife. I trust God, whose hands you have put your situation in, and I know that “God works all things together for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” You have nothing to fear. I can’t say what the end result will look like, but God is faithful. And may He bless you with peace and joy in this uncertain time. 🙂

      • hey there. thank you for that response. what ever the outcome, i am sure it will (in the end) be good for my wife and i. may god bless you abundantly and have a fantastic evening

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