I came home the other day after another extra-long day of work and jumped right in to the flurry of dinner and cleaning before church. I ran around the kitchen scrounging up an idea for a meal and gathered all the necessary supplies to make poached eggs, fresh fruit and oatmeal. I scattered food and supplies over the countertop so I could prepare it quickly, put the water on the boil for the eggs and pulled an egg out of the carton so I could start cracking them into a cup I had sitting by waiting for the water. I cracked the first egg, and watched myself pour it …into the egg carton. Slowly and methodically as if that’s the way I always make eggs, I poured the egg out of the shell into the carton and then looked at it stupidly. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure out what it was for a full five seconds before it jumped out at me: the egg does not get poured back into the carton. It goes in the cup!
That was the moment I realized I had been really distracted. But I didn’t have time to even consider what was weighing so heavily on my mind, I had to get kids fed and washed up for church, and somehow in such a short amount of time, also clean up some around the house I’ve hardly seen in the past few weeks. And although I know that there a lot of distractions right now due to my work, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that this was way more than what was going on in the physical. Something has bound my mind to the degree that I am existing but not really living right now, and it took me a couple days to figure out what it was. Or rather, it took me a couple days to slow myself down long enough to sit at Christ’s feet while he enlightened me as to what was stealing my moments from me.
I am completely distracted by my need to understand things. I know that God is working and that I am on the edge of Promise, but there’s so much more that I don’t know or understand and all of these things are literally stealing my moments. Lately, I have gone through the motions to such a degree that I realize the moment that my kids climb out of the car at school in the morning that I really miss them. I miss playing games with them and talking to them about their day. I miss sitting in the presence of God and just knowing him. I have been so distracted in the physical sense and in my mind that I have missed a lot of life lately. This, I know, is not life abundantly. It’s hardly more than just breathing.
So what it is that I feel I so desperately need to know? I guess in one word, it’s the “how.” I know the who. It’s God. I know the when. It’s right on the horizon. I know the why. Simply because He loves me. The what is what is His best for me. I’m struggling to understand the how. How will it all work out? How will it look when it does work out? How will I know how to walk in it? Just a few questions I can’t figure out and all the sudden the rest of my life is a blur while my focus remains on this conundrum. I know I can’t figure it out and it’s prideful to imagine that I can, but for whatever reason, I haven’t let any of this rational thought dissuade me from surrendering peace in exchange for worry. And now that I’ve been revealed, I feel foolish for worrying about it instead of anticipating His gifts with joy. What a waste of time and energy (and food) worry has become to me! Over and over, Christ has said to me, “Do not worry about tomorrow…” Why can’t I rest in His arms knowing that He’s got it all figured out?
In truth, this distraction that is so binding is just another level of spiritual warfare I tend to not understand until my hindsight kicks in and I look back at a situation and have an “aha” moment. Like now, I can say with full confidence that the distance between my daughter and I has lengthened because I have not looked her in the eye and had a meaningful conversation with her in at least a week. Knowing that time and attention are her love languages, I am sure that she is confused and frustrated with me. Look at the wedge Satan has been able to drive into our relationship simply by distracting me! Father, please destroy that wedge between us and fill in the gaps in her heart that my foolishness has left. Likewise, I know that my son is also suffering in silence because I have not made the time to let him snuggle in my lap before bed, and I have turned chores into a command instead of allowing his willingness to do them be an expression of his love language: works. Father, please erase the pain my distance had caused in him. Restore our fellowship and restore both of their hearts to wholeness. Thank you for showing me how distracted I’ve become and allowing me to see the foolishness of worrying. You are God! You are Almighty! You can do anything and everything, and you love me! You have the best for me and I know that I can trust you. You have been faithful and you will continue to be faithful because that is your nature. You cannot lie and I have heard your promises. Help me to trust you with the how in my life. The truth is, it’s a relief to not worry about it all. Thank you. I love you.