I was walking around outside work today, praying and considering some recent happenings in my life and wondering exactly where my Daddy is in the midst of all of it. And just so you know, I woke up and read Job 38 and 39, so He was all over my wonderings from the get-go. I guess what I was really trying to do was submit my will and my understanding of things to Him.
Anyway, so while I was walking, I had this image in my head of a toddler moving cautiously away from a table on wobbly legs, being coaxed out into the middle of a room. And I quickly remembered something that the Holy Spirit spoke to me a few days ago: “Because you can trust me, you can trust you.” This must be what it’s like for a toddler to learn how to walk.
I remember when my daughter first learned how to walk. She was a lot like me: clumsy. She fell into everything before she learned to stand on her own two feet. A lot more cautious than my son, she still ventured out to our gentle coaxing, just with trepidation. In all honesty, she would have much rather been held and carried around than to walk on her own. The independence thing came with time, but it took longer for her. On her own, she was often unsteady, and bruised up many times from falling into table and things. My son, on the other hand, crawled at five months’ old and it wasn’t long before he was cruising all over the house on his own two legs.
I’m more like her when it comes to spiritual things. I would much rather be held and carried than to do things on my own. I don’t often trust myself to make the right decisions. At times, I get excited and venture out on my own but other times, I wait until the Lord makes it painfully clear that He has spoken direction to me. I don’t mean to seem faithless, it’s just that I’m clumsy. I screw things up on my own, and I know that without His strong hand holding mine, I’m destined to fall.
All I have heard from Him these past few days, other than His reprimanding me this morning, is “Trust me.” He’s coaxing me to take a few steps on my own, with His eye on me and His reassurance ringing in my ears. I’m struggling to let go of the safety in this place that He put me. Thankfully, I am determined to get to where He is and to be a part of what He is blessing in my life. I will take that first step. And the next and the next, until I fall into His arms again. And then maybe, when He sets me down for the next lesson in walking, I’ll be a little more willing to trust myself, as I move toward Him again.