Sooo … I’m not ashamed to admit that I have disappointments sometimes in what the Lord is or isn’t doing in my life. I cannot deny it, and so I may as well admit it and pray for His help in it, right? A few days ago, I took some major disappointment to Him, promises yet to be fulfilled but seemingly hovering just without my reach. And because it is true that the Lord orders my steps, I have had a hard time understanding why He is so seemingly inactive in an area I have cried out to Him so many times in desperation. To make things worse, the moment I thought “this is it!” I faced devastation in my heart when I realized it wasn’t even close to “it.”
In my frustration, I asked Him, “How can I hope? In what can I place my hope? Your promises are long in coming and I don’t know how to hold out hope in something that is nowhere to be found.” It hurt, this admitting to God the deepest questionings of my heart. But He was faithful to answer me, and He said, “Don’t put your hope in a promise. Put your hope in Me.”
As I continued to cry and release my pent-up distress, He stopped me and asked, “What are your motives in this?” So I poured out my heart: why I felt I needed this thing and what it could attribute to my life and how I could serve Him better in it. When I was finished, He very gently asked me, “What if your motive is to please me?” I stopped short and swallowed my pride and admitted that I hadn’t even said that. Although pleasing Him is all I want my life to be about, all the motives I gave Him were selfish ones. What if my only motive in any and everything I do is simply to please Him? If that were true for me, then no matter what He asks of me, I will do … to please Him. No matter what I had to surrender, I would surrender for Him.
Then something happened in me, and I don’t quite know if I can adequately describe it. Peace descended and I accepted His Will in this one thing and I decided that hereafter, I will do my best to submit my desires, whether they are good or bad, and simply to please Him, accept His yes or His no. Just to please Him. In the end, I want it to be said of me that His pleasure is my purpose.
Holy Spirit, help me in this. Help me to place my hope firmly in Christ, and not in anything or anyone, or even in a promise He’s spoken. Just in Him. And please, help me to do all that I do just to please my Father in Heaven. I want to hear Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I know I can do nothing apart from you, so I am asking you to be ever with me to help me in this battle against my flesh and my heart. I need you.