I woke up to the sweetest words a woman can hear from her lover. I was gently nudged awake by His Spirit and heard whispered into my heart, “Beloved.” Like cool water, that word quenched the thirst in my single-woman soul. I smiled, tears forming in my eyes, rolled into the warmth of His embrace and allowed The Lord to hold me this morning. And as I lay there, He whispered more: “Blessed and highly favored.” Confidence welled up in me, assurance of being loved and beautiful in His eyes, valued and smiled upon. It felt so good.
This present season has been a hard one for me. After years of being wakened in the early dawn by the Holy Spirit and wooed into His arms before the sun rose, I began into a season of oversleeping every alarm, as I descended into an emotional pit of depression and feelings of hopelessness. Proverbs says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.(13:12)” I fell into it hardcore. My hope waned as His promises proved long in coming, and the longer I had to wait, the less I trusted my discernment and my ability to hear His voice. And when I did hear Him, or think I heard Him, I would refuse to admit it to myself for fear that I was wrong.
So as not to be accused of beating around the bush, I’ll try to be more forthcoming about my disappointment. I’m a single mom, and for much longer than ever thought possible. Taking it one day at a time sure does help, but I’ve been overwhelmed many times over the years. I never prayed for a relationship because I didn’t have that desire … until it was awakened in me and I readily admitted my desire and could see it very clearly reflected in my kids. I was pleasantly surprised when the Lord spoke this promise into my heart, of a relationship with promises straight out of Jeremiah (those are my own to hold). He also spoke in this time of a ministry that awakened in me the deepest love I’ve always had for Jesus, and a great desire to proclaim Him to the nations. Yet, years later, here I am … with no evidence of either anywhere in sight. Hope deferred was hurting me big time.
My disappointment dragged me down until I couldn’t hardly pray without eventually just suffering before the Lord in silence, unwilling to accuse Him or turn away but completely at a loss for words to express anything else. I can say without a doubt, this has been the hardest battle I’ve ever been in.
I opened the Word a few hours after getting to work today and the first verse I read was this: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. (Song of Solomon 6:3)” Relief flooded me as I surrendered to the one truth I cannot deny even now: God is aware of me and loves me more than I will ever know. I am not saying that smugly, or with any arrogance. This is true for all of us. His ways may not make sense to us, His timing may seem off to us, but His love should assure us that He cares tremendously and is doing something that is more than wonderful in us, and for us, and through us. And while some of it hurts, He is still with us, holding our hands and smothering us with kisses. He’s a good parent, a good husband, a wonderful God! He fills in the empty spaces, makes the hard road smooth and speaks when we are willing to hear and listen. He soothes us with His Spirit, comforts us with His spoken Word, and reminds us of His great faithfulness. And just when Satan gets a firm grasp on our hope and tries to tear it from us, the Lord steps in and delivers us from his grip. We are never left alone. This is my God. Ever faithful. I love Him so much!
“And I am confident of this: that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14-15)”