It’s almost February … Almost V-day. I’ve dreaded Valentine’s Day for so many years, and this one started out per the norm, with the usual mixture of dread and anticipation. All the singles out there know what I’m talking about … sure you’re going to spend it alone, but slightly hopeful that you might trip into a hottie somewhere, like they do in the movies, and be married a year later. Because people fall in love in February, right?
So, I was trying to pray on the way to work this morning, but also thinking about this guy I have a crush on, which was really weird. I was thanking the Lord for being my companion, all the while thinking about this guy and kinda wishing … And I realized that the last seven years of my life have been a lot like this. I’ve talked about the Lord being my husband, worshipped him from this place of marital security and adored him as the Lover of my Soul, all the while praying for a husband. And I’ve spent Valentine’s Day defiantly ignoring all human emotions, and absorbing myself in worship and prayer to fend off deep feelings of insecurity and morbid self-loathing because deep down inside, I’m very certain that something must be wrong with me or I’d be happily married by now.
The irony of this disconnect finally hit me full force this morning. I have been allowing the Lord to pursue me these past years, reveling in his attention but hardly sustaining eye contact for very long before my wandering heart drags my attention away to the really cute guy in aisle four. Sure, I have moments of reciprocity where Jesus knows I’m totally sold out and into Him. But I also have (many) moments of staring straight through him, entertaining the tug of war between satisfaction and longing.
In light of this illumination, I decided that this year, I will not be complacent and let emotions toss me to and fro. I’m going to be proactive in my relationship with the Lord. I’ve let him pursue me and responded half-heartedly to his intense affections. This year, I am going pursue him. Not the guy in aisle four, but Jesus. I’m going to capture the heart of my First Love. I’m going to woo Him just as intentionally as He woos me. Starting now. And this Valentine’s day, I imagine, is going to be the first of its kind.