See me. Tell me who I really am. Conquer my insecurities. Give me comfort in your hands. Tell me how you really feel. Reveal your heart to me. I want to know you. Really know you. You have cornered me, isolated me. Now speak, and give me ears to hear. I am dunb without your help. Overwhelmed. Insecure and unsure. Set me free from this grip, break the chains that bind my heart and mind. I’m still struggling to be sure of things. Accepting doubt though the Word is deep inside of me. I’m wasting time because I’m not sure if I can do this thing. I don’t see doors opening, so I still feel bound. Unworthy. Unable and incapable. Broken. In truth, I’m so weary. So tired of trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Walking but getting nowhere. Talking but reaching no one. Thinking I’m being faithful, but creeping toward faithless because I’m waiting for you to RELEASE me. I don’t even know what that looks like but here, where I’m at now just burns me up inside. I’ve eaten so much of the Word and now I feel it intestinally, burning me up, beggin to be free. Come save me.
I wrote all of this last night in prayer, just listening to all that’s inside and letting it come out. I was writing it on a posterboard, free writing my thoughts and feelings because sometimes, I have to see them. In response, the Lord gave me a visual that I also drew on the posterboard. It was a picture of a caged bird crying. But the saddest part is that her back was to the door, and she had no idea it was open.
Maybe there is an open door, and things are wide open before you, but you haven’t faced it. You want ministry to look a certain way and because they don’t, you stay bound and unsatisfied. You are waiting for release, but not accepting that you are free already. Praying for something that’s already been done, and not walking through the doors you can see because things on the other side don’t look like what you envision. Ministry opportunities that look a lot like every day life, that go undone because it feels too normal. People you disregard because you aren’t sure how they “fit in” to the plan God has for your life. But what if all that God is doing is what He has called you to, and He’s asking you to do the normal and mundane while He prepares you for the bigger and better things? What if His will is quieter than you imagine, and happens inconspicuously while you live it up like Jesus, walking through whatever open doors God puts before you?